me, unplugged

i am currently pissed off for letting myself get involved with this guy online. i know, what a retard, right? (no offense to the retards out there, i’m sure you’re smarter than i am.) i really liked this guy, i really enjoyed talking to him, he made me laugh, and he wasn’t 10 years younger than me like most of the guys online these days; in fact, he is older than me by a year or so. he is/was an attractive man, and i was supposed to go visit him, but now he’s acting like a complete and utter jerk.

sometimes i think he’s just a grade A asshole, and other times, i think he can be a nice guy. i’m sure i come across as being bipolar online too (which i’m not, i’m pretty even-keeled actually), but this is ridiculous. i feel like i’m a pretty consistent person online, meaning that i act the same online as i would in real life. but this guy, oooh, he gets under my skin and makes me either want to strangle him or tie him up and have my way with him. he makes me SO angry, and i just want to do really bad things to him.

the thing that i’m really pissed off about though? it’s the fact that if he even says two words to me, it makes me happy. why does this make me happy??? who gives a flying FUCK if he pays attention to me??? all he has to do is smile at me, or talk to me, and i’m happy. and it makes me angry to no end to know that someone that lives THREE THOUSAND MOTHERFUCKING MILES AWAY!!! has that much power over me. i’m acting like a goddamned schoolgirl is what i’m doing, and i’m about ready to shoot myself. i’m 27, not 12!

godDAMN it!