hold on your your hats.
March 19th, 2007 § 1 Comment
this is gonna be a long one. and by “long” i mean “longer than the usual 10 pages of blathering.”
as an update, since my last (rather depressing) post, i have decided that instead of sitting around moping, i needed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and start making active decisions towards fixing myself up. i started going to a chiropractor for my back problems, which are not completely gone, but at least i’m not crying in pain every time i move, or breathe. i’ve started taking an antidepressant, which sucks, but it is temporary until i start sorting things out emotionally, mentally and physically. i’ve started going to see a therapist, also temporary, but i figured i’d find someone that would listen to me, even if i had to pay them to do it…or have my insurance pay them. and though my therapist is a bit of hike (west chester, ouch), she’s a pretty good one, or at least better than either the horrible or completely forgettable therapists i’ve had in the past.
the thing i’ve realized about depression is that after a while, it starts to get boring, and i got pretty damn tired of thinking about what the world would be like with me no longer in it. so right now, after all of the self-work that i’ve done, while i still don’t feel like i’m operating at 100%, it’s still better than the 10% i was operating at beforehand.
i’ve become a bit more social, realizing that i need to get out of the house, and i’ve started building into, and learning more about my friends instead of wallowing in my own misery, and i’ve found that it’s helped tremendously to not be alone. i’ve discovered that when i’m alone a lot, my focus is all on myself, and at the time, i wasn’t really liking what i saw. going out helps for me to take the focus off of myself, and even in talking to others about depression has made me realize that i’m hardly the only person that’s gone through it, and so it’s helped to have people who understand what i’m going through.
best of all, and what is currently making me one happy bunny indeed, is the fact that it is only 42 days away from sam’s visit! and for the record, i didn’t count the number of days, HE did. i really think he’s a hopeless romantic, and moreso than he would ever let on. if you listen really really close, you can probably hear him blushing from across the pond. his blushing could also be anger at me letting out the Big Secret, but he can’t do anything about it, at least for another 42 days anyway. ;D or, he could simply be counting down the days until he is away from work, which has been kicking his ass lately. and i’m completely willing to accomodate in the form of a long massage, a bottle (or five) of red wine, good food and a trip to kings island. and lots and lots of snoggage (but that goes without saying).
recently i’ve started learning more about my history, spurred on by my mother’s recent interest in finding out about the culture she was never taught about, since her parents were insistent that their children become ingrained into western culture. there are so many interesting things about the okinawan culture that it only makes me want to visit okinawa that much more. this coming saturday there is an “okinawan spring festival” in columbus that i’m attending with my family, and all day yesterday my family and i spent hours making “sembe” which is an ancient family recipe (ok, maybe 20-30 years). i brought some home with me to dry out in the oven, and after kate tried some of it, she said, “so…are you…uh…taking that somewhere?” when i told her that it was mine, she said “oh, okay” really coolly, “good, because that stuff is AWESOME, it’s like japanese noodle CRACK.” which it is, if i’m honest. every time we make the stuff, it’s like our family’s diet goes completely down the shitter until the sembe has been completely consumed. this would be why we probably only make it once a year. ANYway, we’re making this sembe to take up to the okinawan spring festival on saturday, which will probably result in a lot of sembe-cracked-out okinawans. (*Note to self: take camera.)
as far as school goes, i’m actually liking my class a lot this time around, probably having something to do with the fact that i have great learning team members, 3 other women, one of which is highly (highly) dominant, who has essentially taken charge of the group, delegated tasks, and is pretty much putting everything together. i had a real problem with this at first, and we sort of butted heads, but now i’ve realized that i am completely okay with someone else running the show. it relieves me of responsibility i’d rather not have anyway. so far my instructor is a complete dipshit and i’m currently .73% way from an A, even though i’ve kicked ass on my assignments. add to this the fact that she’s completely disorganized, and it’s all very frustrating. i’m putting out better work than i did last quarter, and i got an A in that class. if i don’t get an A in this one, i might have to file a grievance. but whatever. that’s all preemptory anyway.
the first weekend in april, i’m going to see sufjan stevens and amiina (from iceland) play at the musicNOW festival here in cincinnati. i’m super (SUPER) excited to see two bands that i LOVE together on the same stage, something i never would have predicted given their differences in style. and i’m going with katie and brian, two really great friends, which is super-awesome especially since katie is moving out of the city sometime in may. i’m really sad that she is, because it’s really rare that i find strong, secure women, and i’m mad at myself for all the missed opportunities that i could have had to get to know her better. she’s one of those people that i’m really proud to say that i know (much like another kate in my life), so i’ve vowed to spend more time with her with the time i have left.
and there’s more that i want to say, but i think it’s going to have to wait…i just spent the last 1/2 hour talking to kate and vedo after them getting home from vedo’s birthday dinner, took the sembe out of the oven, and did some laundry, and now i’ve run out of time to do one of my ever-famous feminist rants. ah well, that will have to wait until another time. i’m sure that my male readers are sooo disappointed about THAT. 
so to sum up: things are definitely looking better, i have things to be happy about – something that i remember thinking would never happen for me again. and i feel like i’m getting back to being my normal positive self, no forced smiles or laughter for the benefit of others, it’s all real now. i have much to be thankful for.
[...] i have perfect timing) over the last 6 months or so, i’ve been weaning myself off of the antidepressant that i’ve been taking for probably longer than necessary. that’s mostly because a) i [...]