the death of hope.

August 1st, 2007 § 2 Comments

have you ever wanted something really badly and you come to the realization that it is completely unavailable to you? as in: you will never have this “thing” whatever it is. it’s a really disappointing revelation to come to. i mean, this could be anything, from a relationship to a Wii console. people can be generally physically unavailable or even emotionally unavailable, or seeing your favorite band in concert might never happen because you live somewhere that no bands visit (such as cincinnati). or maybe i should say “no bands you want to see” to be more specific…

you hold out hope that maybe one day, ONE DAY, this thing will just show up like a gift you’ve always wanted but weren’t really sure you’d ever get. day after day you think it’ll happen, and you might even daydream about the day that it will happen, how you’ll react, whether it’s with surprise or like you knew it was coming all along. but becoming aware of this new little bit of knowledge can be a really disheartening moment. it makes you catch your breath, take a step back and say “wow, i will never have XYZ (insert your heart’s desire here)…that really, really sucks.” and do you cry? do you get pissed off? do you shrug it off and move on? do you continue to think about it and hope and pray (if you’re the praying sort)?

it’s a death, of sorts; the death of a hope or a dream of something that you really want for yourself. i think that everyone has grieved for something, whether it’s for a person, or a loved pet, or an ended relationship that didn’t go quite as you had hoped. but that doesn’t make it any easier each time it happens. it always feels like a scarred wound that’s been torn open that will only take longer to heal. scars upon scars and years upon years of being disappointed in things that you thought were a possibility, only to find out that the tenuous connection that you thought you had to these “things” are so far out of your reach, it only makes you cynical about everything else you’ve ever wanted.