me, unplugged

this is the summation of my dog-walking career. tonight, promptly at 5pm, i fed neala as commanded in the dog bible left for us, and then prepped to take her for a walk.  now, usually, these walks last about an hour or so, and include taking her for a walk down a little private lane close by, or through some paths that run next to the large ominous creek/river rapids (hey, they don’t call this area “rumbling bridge” for nothing! dogs have been lost here, people!).  i figured that if neala decided to take a big giant leap into some water and get swept downstream, it wasn’t going to be on MY watch, so i opted for a wee quaint scottish country lane.

to be fair, i don’t know my way around here so much, so i was only aware of one particular lane, and i headed in that direction. at the corner entering said lane, there came a-barking (and a-growling) a very large, very furry dog at the corner.  he had his paws on the fence keeping him in the yard, but he was easily twice the height of the fence, and it wouldn’t take much for him to hop over and make small work of a small black lab puppy.  after a minute of hemming and hawing, i opted to walk past and see what else i could find.  and the answer was: not much.

so i figured…okay, i’ll just take her part-way down the path by the creek/raging river and come back before it gets to the water part where she could jump into the water, get swept downstream, and then i am summarily beaten and/or drawn and quartered for my transgression.  however, it rained all day yesterday, and also a good portion of today (luckily it stopped raining for our little walk), and so the mud was not unlike quicksand, only grosser and more the consistency of poo.  <related tangent>i’ve had a (very) recent revelation that one of the things i HATE doing most in the world is PICKING UP WARM DOG POO (with a poo bag of course).  am now pretty much convinced that i will NEVER have a dog.</related tangent>

my options were running thin.  or: nonexistent.  i apologized to neala (yes i am fully aware that she did not understand me), and told her i’d play with her in the backyard for longer than i normally do when i’m out on a smoke break.  so i did.  i think i wore the girl out (yay me!) because at the end she looked at me and i could TOTALLY tell that she was all “sister, i like playing fetch and stuff, but QUIT THROWING THE EFFING BALL.” and then she rolled over and farted.

(haha! okay, kidding about the fart, but she DOES fart, and when she does i feel like taking a shower in bleach in case the smell somehow lingers on me. don’t roll your eyes, you know you laughed! or maybe that was just me. i DID say that i think i’m hilarious, didn’t i?)

so i think i’ve knackered the poor thing out as she’s laying on her dog bed and her paws are twitching. probably having nightmares about playing fetch for eternity, i’d guess.

and on another note, i saw these on blondesense and since it said to copy and paste and spread them around (and also because i ALWAYS do what i’m told *snort* and also because i think they’re funny, poignant and well-written), here they are.

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I’m a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight…..

* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re “exotic, different.”

* Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American story.

* If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you’re a maverick.

* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.

* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you’re well grounded.

* If you spend 3 years as a community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate’s Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you don’t have any real leadership experience.

* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you’re qualified to become the country’s second highest ranking executive.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian.

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you’re a Christian.

* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state’s school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you’re very responsible.

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family’s values don’t represent America’s.

* If you’re husband is nicknamed “First Dude”, with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn’t register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

OK, much clearer now!!

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