yesterday, i was so distraught by hearing about the terrorist attacks in india, i couldn’t read any of the blogs i subscribe to, as they were all festive and wishing me (okay, the blogosphere) a happy thanksgiving.  it was difficult for me to feel very jovial in light of what was going on.  in addition to world events, i feel like there’s some sort of dark cloud that’s just hanging around me right now…it seems like a lot of different areas of my life are going through some sort of hardship or another.  i don’t particularly want to go into too many details on my blog, but, well, the saying “when it rains, it pours” doesn’t just go for the good stuff.  and (because i have perfect timing) over the last 6 months or so, i’ve been weaning myself off of the antidepressant that i’ve been taking for probably longer than necessary.  that’s mostly because a) i didn’t feel like i needed it anymore and b) i wasn’t able to get enough from my pharmacy to last through the 4 months i’d be here.  but regardless, perhaps not the wisest time to go about self-un-medicating, but not much to be done about it now.

i’m leaving scotland in a week and a half, and my sadness about that fact outweighs what happiness i imagine i’ll have at being home.  the first time i left the UK i was incredibly sad to be leaving; the second time i left, i shed a tear or two. the last time i left, i was openly crying, and very close to having the flight crew pull my bags off the plane because i really didn’t want to leave.  this time, i think i’ll be doping myself up on meds to avoid creating a scene.  if i could get away with hiring medical personnel to sedate me completely for the entirety of the trip, i’d do it in a heartbeat.  i’m not 100% sure why i’m having this reaction to leaving the UK when i haven’t had this problem on other trips (international or otherwise) that i’ve taken, but i’m sure that a small part of it has something to do with the fact that i’m returning to a city that i’ve disliked for most of my adult life, and simply tolerated at best.  add to that the fact that i’m returning at a time when the economy is complete crap and i have to find a job in the middle of it with creditors about to start knocking on my door, and i’m sure you can probably understand why i’m not exactly jumping for joy at the prospect of returning to the ‘nati.  and if there were a hole in the ground, i’d probably stick my head in it, too.

at any rate, i’m off for today…too much to think about and my brain’s not focused enough to write much more.  over and out.