only one month in and it’s already been pretty eventful. i keep adding new years’ resolutions to my list, and to date i have four. two of them are more personal so i won’t share those, but the other two are pretty standard and i’m doing well so far.
the first resolution that i made at the end of last year was that i wanted to run in the flying pig in may. i won’t be running the actual full 26.2-mile marathon, mind you. i will consider my resolution a success if i’m able to run a 5k without stopping to walk. i’m relatively sure that i’m underachieving there, as at this point in my training, i’m running two miles at a decent pace without stopping. as the date gets closer, i may change my resolution to a 10k or maybe the heart mini-marathon (15k). i suppose that changing my resolutions is perhaps not very resolute of me, but i figure as long as i’m upgrading them as opposed to downgrading, i’m okay, right?
the second resolution that i’ve made is that i need to seriously cut down on my smoking and/or quit altogether. the problem with that is that i really enjoy smoking. during my time in scotland, there were many days where i would only have one or two cigarettes, and the vast majority of the time, my first cigarette of the day here would be on my drive home from work. so, clearly i’m not so addicted that i need to have a cigarette every couple of hours, and i was never one of those smokers who has to light up first thing in the morning. at this point, i haven’t purchased a pack of cigarettes since january 2nd. my friends kate and jenn are weekend smokers, and they’ve been gracious enough to allow me to have a cigarette if i happen to be hanging out at their place. in truth, over the years they’ve bummed so many smokes off of me, they’ve told me they probably owe me a carton, so i don’t feel so bad taking them. i think that some people might see this as them enabling me to smoke, but i see it as them assisting me in not smoking nearly as much as i probably would otherwise.
for the first couple of weeks, it was difficult to not have that cigarette when i was driving home from work at the end of a stressful day. i missed the familiarity of holding the cigarette in my hand, inhaling, then exhaling the smoke, and with it, all of the stress, the bullshit, the drama, of the workplace. it was almost like a visible release of all of that tension, even though physiologically speaking, i was probably only adding more. removing that psychological part of my addiction was the most difficult part of quitting; the physical part of quitting smoking was cake in comparison.
so with drastically cutting down on smoking, i’ve rediscovered my appetite (as cigarettes are a natural appetite suppressant), and i’ve also rediscovered my sense of taste (as smoking also slightly decreases your ability to taste). as such, for the first few weeks, i ate a LOT. food tasted so good to me, and i was also hungrier much more often than i was previously. i’m sure that both of these things have to also do with the fact that i’ve been much more physically active for the past couple of months. regardless, my caloric intake went up much faster than my burning them, so i gained some weight in the process of quitting. this isn’t something that really shocked me; the majority of smokers experience weight gain when quitting smoking. besides, my accomplishments with my race training and stopping smoking are enabling me to not lend much credence to the fact that i’ve gained five pounds. i consider it a very minor setback, especially given the fact that i was a smoker for 16 years, and that this time a year ago i was 50 pounds heavier. things could be much worse.
i made no resolutions in the relationship area of my life, and yet strangely things have been going well there, too. for so long i had no prospects for dating, there was no one that interested me enough to make an effort, and so i ignored that part of my life completely. i think because of the Composer (mentioned in my previous entries), i’ve come to realize just how many interesting people there are out there, and getting to know them is really part of the fun of dating. after christmas, the Composer and i met up again, and i got quite a few things out in the open that i had been thinking about over the course of the time that we were apart. we had a very good discussion about why things went south, and that there are just things that neither of us can provide for each other that are deal-breakers in our own books.
but my biggest concern out of us not dating anymore was that i would lose my friendship with him, and i told him as much. as it turned out, the feeling was mutual. in truth, we just really enjoy each other’s company, and regardless of our many differences, our personalities mesh well together. (also, i love making him laugh; he has a great laugh.) so, out of that conversation, and subsequent conversations, we’ve come to an agreement of sorts, one that implies physical intimacy without the structure of a relationship. (<– or "friends with benefits") i really DO want to settle down in the near future, to find someone with whom i can have every kind of connection; physical, friendship, and emotional. i won't be able to have the kind of depth of relationship with him that i want to have, and so i've been very honest about the fact that i will continue to look for this, and i have been. i've met a couple of people with whom i feel that might be a possibility, but of course it's too soon to tell.
those are all of the things that have gone on in the last month. hopefully i update again sooner, and with more positive accomplishments to share!