so things went awry with the guy i was seeing. it was mostly me that was doing the running-away-screaming bit, but over the course of three months, i grew pretty fond of him, so it’s more like “walking-away-while-looking-over-my-shoulder” than anything. i’ve been pretty mopey for the last few weeks since i broke things off with him, and yes, it may have been a bit daft of me to do it right before the holidays knowing full well how much more alone i’d feel. *sigh* however, i felt like i was giving more than i was getting out of the relationship, and i find the idea of spending the holidays being with someone i don’t think wants to be with me FAR more depressing than just being alone.

one of the biggest things that i think i’ll miss about him is that, because he had an degree in musical composition (he was a composer), he liked to attend the symphony, musicals, local theater, etc.. not many (straight) guys that i know find those things to be particularly titillating experiences, so it was really nice to attend those events and be with someone who enjoyed them as much as i did.

at the very least though, i feel like i’ve at least “gotten back on the horse,” as he’s the first semi-serious relationship i’ve had in the last two years (which is also probably why i’m so mopey). i don’t want to be single for another two years, so i’ve decided not to lose momentum and get back out there. and perhaps this time, i’ll go about things a bit differently.

so that is what is consuming my life most at the moment. it would be nice to have some stability in the relationship department (whether single or not) so that i could focus my emotional energy elsewhere. i find the whole “finding someone” thing to be so draining that sometimes i’m convinced that i’ve been mostly single these past few years just out of sheer laziness. wow that sounds really lame when i reread it. but there it is. *shrug*

in my defense, my mind HAS been on other things as well…work (going live with new software on monday so it should make the next few weeks VERY interesting), the recent federal tax cut (which is another blog post entirely), the repeal of DADT (it’s about goddamn time) and major changes in particular friends’ and families’ lives. however, people will be arriving in about half hour and i still need to shower. and then…PRESSIES!!! \o/

today, i signed a lease on what i think may be my best solo living space to date. it has huge rooms, stained-glass windows, hardwood floors, a private entrance and porch, two fireplaces (non-working, sadly), and heat is included in the rent! while i was signing the lease, a friend of mine who happens to live in the area was walking by, and i told him i was moving in. he said he would just drop by and knock on my door sometime. that’s cool, i actually really like it when people just drop by, because people don’t do enough of it anymore, in my opinion.

i’m completely overhauling my finances, which will consolidate my debt load (the vast majority of which is student loans), and will cut my debt payments in half. this is an excellent development in my financial situation.

i am still seeing the guy i mentioned in my previous post and, well, he hasn’t run away screaming yet. so…i’m not sure if that means he can handle me and my particular brand of crazy, or if there’s something wrong with him. there IS always the chance that i may run away screaming, too. i guess only time will tell.

work is…work. there is some drama going on, and many changes in the near future. i don’t know what those changes mean for my future at the company, but i’m keeping my options open just in case.

so, this coming weekend, i’m traveling to chicago for a friend’s wedding. the weekend following, i will be packing and moving back to the city, and DEAR GOD that makes me happy. in the midst of all of this, i am attending a couple of concerts and a lecture. where in the hell am i going to have time to do all of this??

okay it’s now 10pm and i’ve been online for way too long tonight. if you’re praying people, pray i make it through the stress of the next 3 weeks. if i survive, i may have a minute or two to breathe. or even blog again!

so the question becomes: do i write a post about the things that have happened in my life in the last year or so? (and by “things” i mean the 5-10 most significant things, as a helluva lot’s happened in the last year or so and i really don’t have that kind of time. sorry.) OR: do i just write a post about something i’ve been pondering?

i think i’ll just do both.

a few big things that have happened in the last year: my sister’s gotten married (finally!). i was the maid of honor and ducked when she threw the bouquet at the reception (i was one of three women on the floor and it was heading straight for me, OKAY?). i lost 50 pounds by eating a helluva lot less and exercising more. i still have about 25 pounds to go before i’ll be satisfied, but holy hell i feel much better about myself and damn, i really missed my figure. i moved out of my now-brother-in-law’s house and right into my own parents’ home. i would like to point out here that it’s fabulous fun telling people that you’re a 30-something living with your parents, and that the main reason is because of student loans you’re paying for a degree that you don’t have. i may be the biggest loser (and not necessarily in the weight sense) on the east side of cincinnati, but i have a job and coworkers that i love, and awesome friends (kate and jenn) who let me crash at theirs when i get too drunk to drive back to B.F.E., so it’s not all bad. said friends also have very cool cats who like to hang out on the spare bed when i stay over, so that’s cool too. (also, to be fair, i’m getting my financials sorted and should hopefully be moved out in the next month or two.)

i decided to try getting back into the dating game last november, and it was a shockingly abysmal failure. objectively speaking i can say that there was probably 20% of it that had to do with me, and the remaining 80% because the guys were, well, douchebags. (no offense to actual douchebags meant.) just one eensy example: one of the guys stood me up and then gave me the excuse that he put on his own facebook wall (we were facebook friends) that he was sick – 5 days before our date – and that i should have gleaned that he wouldn’t be showing up for the date because of that. *facepalm* i did say we were facebook friends, right? so after the third douchebag, i ran screaming for the hills and decided to lie low for awhile. then i met a friend of a friend at a party a few weeks ago (who, i’m happy to report, is NOT a douchebag), and we really hit it off. i certainly didn’t see THAT coming, and i’m pleasantly surprised about it. and that is all i will say about him at this juncture. more info forthcoming if ensuing dates are as successful as the first few. we’ll see.

RIGHT. onto pondering things….

…and dammit, facebook is being all wonky and i can’t get into my facebook messages. one of the things that i wanted to blog about was in a message i got today from lynne. grr.

– one hour later –

nope. still not working. *kicks facebook*

i’m going to bed.

g’night. (or “g’mornin’” for those across the pond.)

most of what i want to write about (and have wanted to write about) are things that i don’t think i’d like to go into on my blog, and i don’t know why really. when i look back at some of the things that i’ve written about, it’s not like i’ve exactly kept silent about my feelings on a particular subject or person. in fact, i usually veer way into the “TMI” category on many things. but perhaps it’s because of the depth of my feelings, or because of my audience, and how what i say will be received or perceived.

i am apathetic about life in general, and at the same time i think i care too much and i am probably over-sensitive right now. so, i’m going to sign off for awhile. hopefully, sometime in the near future things will return to normal.

1) i was working out regularly at the free gym at work when i first started and actually had the time to do so. during the period of time that i worked out (about 3 weeks), i had more energy, i slept much better, my thought processes were much more precise, and i felt happier in general. i stopped mostly because i began working more and later into the evening. clearly, regular exercise needs to become a very high priority for me.

2) i’m a pretty insecure person and sort of a pessimist. i’m not sure if this is a recent development, or something i’m just now noticing (although i’m pretty sure it’s the former). regardless, i don’t like either of these things about myself right now and i need to work on them.

3) the gods were smiling on me and the timing of my job search. i happened to have the qualifications and skills necessary for a job that opened at the exact time that my employer needed them, and the circumstances were such that it’s possible that i may not have gotten the job otherwise. (this is vague, but for various reasons, i can’t go into detail here.)

4) those people that are truly your friends, regardless of how often you talk to them, will always be your friends, and will come through for you when you least expect it.

and that’s all i have for today. come back after i’ve gotten a decent night’s sleep and am perhaps working around 40 hours a week. i may have blogged again by that point.

also, i know that some of my friends will disagree with my choices. if you feel the need to add your rage and ire to my comments section, bring it!

4 things i think are overrated:

family guy

dave matthews band

mushrooms

the twilight series

this spurned my curiousity, so i just looked and i also share my may 2nd birthday with david beckham, dwayne johnson (“the rock”) and lesley gore. yeah, better angels. also? jenna von oy and i are exactly the same age. if you’ll recall, she was blossom’s quirky and overly-chatty friend named “six.” i’m pretty sure that we can draw an obvious conclusion here: at some point in my lifetime, i will be BFFs with an overachieving neuroscientist with a penchant for silly hats with large flowers on them.

a couple weekends ago, kate and i went to visit our friend sarah (who is dating a woman named sarah…they are collectively known as “the sarahs”) for dinner. they are currently expecting their first child, which is both awesome and exciting, and i couldn’t be happier for them. i know they will be great moms to their little hepzibah or methuselah. (because of course they will give them awkward biblical names.)

afterwards, kate and i went down for the second Cincinnati Guerilla Queer Bar, which took place at sully’s sports bar downtown. the thing that i like about this movement-that-is-also-an-excellent-excuse-to-drink, is that there are so many different kinds of people that come out for this event. unlike a regular queer bar, which sometimes seems like it’s as much a meat market as any straight bar, the CGQB draws a pretty diverse crowd, from singles to couples, gays to straights, white to black, and everything in between. and everyone is there for a common purpose; most decidedly NOT to find someone to take home that night. okay, maybe some people were there for that reason. unfortunately, all of the people I was looking at were gay, including the founder of CGQB, ethan philbrick, who is so friggin’ cute i could put him in my pocket. if, you know, i had 6+ foot tall pockets.

the next day, kate and i headed to findlay market for a bite to eat and some grocery shopping while jenn was at work.  that night, the three of us headed down to fountain square to watch mayor mallory turn on the genius of water, replete with rozzi’s fireworks and live music, and when we went to graeter’s afterwards, who should we run into but ethan philbrick (and friends)! he told us that we missed the “same sex kiss-in” that happened at the fountain right afterwards, but since i didn’t have had anyone to kiss, same-sex or otherwise, i wasn’t too bothered by the fact that i missed it.

the next morning, my friend brian invited me to go see “the foreigner” at playhouse in the park. i had wanted to see it because of its premise (a shy englishman pretends to not speak english so he won’t have to talk to the people of the small town in georgia where he’s staying). it sounded like it would be a shenanigan-filled comedy, and i was glad to discover that i was right! parts of the play had me crying with laughter…i would highly recommend it to anyone.

this past weekend started early for me…thursday night, i went to see “vigils” at the know theater with jenn and kate (jenn had scored some free tickets), and while i thought it was good and well-acted, i began to get antsy during the last half hour of the show. had there been an intermission, i doubt that would have happened, but apparently they decided not to have an intermission for this particular performance.

after “vigils,” the three of us headed down to southgate house to see several bands, but mostly jupiter one, a band from NYC that jenn knew, as her friend is roommates with one of the band members. i have to say that they put on an awesome live show. in my experience, sometimes a band can sound awesome on an album, but then really suck as a live act. i’m glad to say that jupiter one does not disappoint, either as a live act or on their album. at the end of their set, the lead singer mentioned that they needed somewhere to crash that night, and since jenn and kate have a huge apartment with a virtually empty finished attic/top floor, they invited the band to stay at their place. i generally crash at jenn and kate’s over the weekend, so that was how the three of us ended up having a sleepover with an entire band. (trust me, it sounds a lot more scandalous than it actually was.)

[NOTE: being friends with jenn is beneficial if you want to get more involved in the arts and music community in cincinnati. free tickets! band sleepovers!]

friday night, we headed down to cincy punkfest at southgate house, and although i’m not a huge punk fan – that’s more kate’s territory – the seedy seeds were playing. and thank god they were playing in the ballroom this year (last year, they played in the lounge, and we all ended up drenched in sweat it was so stiflingly hot).  the music festival was having a silent auction to benefit a no-kill animal shelter, and one of the items up for bid was a picnic for 3 people with the seedy seeds at a local park, with food provided and the band playing a song of the winners’ choosing. someone had bid $40 on the picnic, and jenn pulled “price is right” and bid $41. and won! so on may 17th (i think), kate and jenn and i will be hanging out with mike and meg and their new drummer, brian. and i am happy. now, to choose a song….

just listing everything i’ve done in the last couple weeks makes me exhausted just thinking about it. but i suppose that i should enjoy my time off…unfortunately my new job got pushed back to april 27th, but if everything that the hiring manager told me is true, i’ll likely have to “hit the ground running” and will probably be working 50-60 hours a week. i am certainly NOT complaining about overtime. seeing as i’m generally used to working 2 jobs at a time, 50-60 hours a week isn’t really that big of a deal. i’d rather be making time and a half on all of those hours-past-40 that i’m working anyway.

the only thing that i think might suck about this new job will be finding time to take off of work. i was hoping to take some time off later this year to go back to the UK and visit old and new friends, but before i can make any definite plans, i need to determine the scope of this new job and whether or not it will be feasible. if not, it may have to wait until next year.

oy. i had hoped to blog about something more substantial than my activities over the last few weeks, with a bit more insight into a particular event, rather than listing the events themselves. but i suppose the “insight” part of blogging might have to wait until a later post.

for now, i leave you with my favorite easter ecard from someecards.com: