i think i killed my car.

from the first time i saw the scion xA, i knew i had to have one. in may 2005, i decided to buy myself a (admittedly rather large) “birthday present” and bought a black scion xA. it was the first car i’d owned that hadn’t been given to me by a family member, or that i hadn’t bought off of a friend. i had chosen this specific make and model, and i had purchased it with my own money. it was symbolic of my freedom, mobility, and financial independence. it was a badass little roller skate, had no cruise control, but an amazing sound system, which led to many trips of listening to rock at top volume and singing my heart out. i have fond memories of driving the I-275 loop around cincinnati (when i just needed to go for a drive, you know?), and hurtling north on I-65 at 95+ MPH on my way to visit my friends in chicago. it got me through winter snowstorms during a visit to missouri, and carried to and around charlotte, north carolina when i moved there in 2012. then it carried me safely across the united states in november 2013 when my husband and i moved to seattle for my new job.

i’ve had the conversation with only a couple others about the phenomenon of feeling like you have a relationship with your car. like how i knew exactly how much space i needed to parallel park, like my car was almost an extension of my own body. i knew when i only had an inch of space left, and so parallel parking for me was a breeze. and like how i knew exactly how far i could push it when weaving in and out of traffic, or if i was speeding (which i did quite frequently). and despite all of my crazy driving, i always felt like i was driving within the boundaries of what my car could handle. i never got into any car accidents, and i knew i would drive that car until the day it wouldn’t run anymore.

that day happened on december 6, 2014.

david was in new york city visiting some friends and to see one of his pieces being performed. i was going shopping to find a dress to wear to the company christmas party that night. as i rounded a curve on the on-ramp to get onto the highway, my car’s rear wheels slid, i overcompensated (i think), and the next thing i knew, the driver’s side of my car was on the ground, and then i was upside-down, hanging from my seatbelt while my car slowly slid to a stop. i was not driving fast, perhaps 15-20MPH at most, but the ground was wet, and my tires, while not bald, were a bit less than optimal.

yep, i landed hanging upside-down from my seatbelt.

yep, i was hanging upside-down from my seatbelt.

as soon as the car stopped, my first thought was “am i okay?” after i assessed that i was, i knew i needed to get myself right-side up and out of the car. after bracing myself on the ceiling of the car (now the floor), i unlatched the seatbelt and fell against the door. i opened the car door and (very ungracefully, i might add), unfolded myself from the driver’s seat, accepting hands from a couple of the bystanders that stopped to help. the police were called, as was the tow truck, i opted out of having an ambulance come check me out since i had no broken bones and not even a scratch. a bit of a sore shoulder where i braced myself for landing on the driver’s side of the car, but that was the only physical issues i had as result of the accident. and then my poor car was hauled away to the auction lot to await its fate.



today, david and i headed to the auction lot to empty the car of the remainder of my belongings. most everything was basic car items like jumper cables, windshield wiper fluid, and whatnot. as we walked away, i realized that it would be the last time i would ever see my little roller skate, and i was incredibly sad. i felt like our adventures were cut short, and i also felt awful that i had been part of the reason for it. it feels really strange to grieve for a car. it’s an inanimate object, and although one could say cars have “personality,” really that’s the result of our ascribing personality to it. so my grief, i suppose, is for what my car symbolized for me in purchasing it, and for the memories that i would have whenever i drove it. it kept me safe in all my adventures, up until the very end. and because i took care of it, it was in really good condition prior to the accident, and so in one last move, it’s taking care of me with a significant total loss payout from the insurance company. who knows? it may even be enough to buy another scion xA.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

yep. back to my old tricks.

okay so now we’re at day 7, and i’ve blogged three times. well…rome wasn’t built in a day i guess. or even 21 days.

1. write 3 things every day that i’m grateful for:

getting into text conversations at 1am with my bestie.

the feeling of satisfaction when checking items off of a To Do list.


2. write about one positive thing that happened in the last 24 hours.

i learned something about myself that isn’t necessarily positive, but is good for me to know, so that i can continue to improve myself.

3. practice one act of random kindness (thank someone for something, compliment someone, give someone a hug)


4. meditate for at least 5 minutes each day

not yet, but forthcoming.

5. exercise everyday (go for a walk, yoga, daily workout plan)

i worked out this morning, and by god, this workout is kicking my ass. i’m constantly sore now. although, i think the soreness is more from the fact that while i’ve been in school, i’ve completely shirked physical exercise (which is kind of dumb, since it might have actually helped me with schoolwork in terms of energy and whatnot). i have no excuses now. and to be honest, it feels good to have sore muscles, because it means i’m actually doing something physical to make myself sore. the beauty of this workout is that it’s big enough that i feel sore afterwards, but small enough that i don’t feel it’s insurmountable, and therefore i’m much more likely to stick with it. good on me!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

day 3-4!

i missed yesterday…whoops. so today, i’m going to combine the last two days with as much as i can remember.

1. write 3 things every day that i’m grateful for
a job that has flexible hours
my (relatively) good health
wine finds at trader joe’s! (i just found a delicious zinfandel from paso robles at tj’s for only $9.99, which is a steal. i went back and bought three more bottles.)

2. write about one positive thing that happened in the last 24 hours
i came to the stunning realization that i have my evenings back again! yesterday after work, i came home, worked out, added some ingredients to the moroccan beef stew in the slow cooker, played some video games, made salads for dinner, ate dinner, baked some brownies, straightened up around the house, watched an episode of west wing, and got some more of michael pollan’s cooked in before going to sleep. SO. FREAKING. PRODUCTIVE. i feel so good about being able to do stuff that i want to do instead of doing what i have to do.

3. practice one act of random kindness (thank someone for something, compliment someone, give someone a hug)
yesterday i baked brownies to bring in to work for my coworkers. i also brought in coffee creamer (although i don’t really count this since it was kind of my turn to bring some in anyway).

4. meditate for at least 5 minutes each day

5. exercise everyday (go for a walk, yoga, daily workout plan)
i worked out yesterday afternoon after work, and actually got up early this morning to go walking with david. considering that i am NOT a morning person, let’s just say i was not in the best of moods to go traipsing around the neighborhood before 7am this morning. it was a nice try, but i think it’s best if i keep workouts to the evenings, for everyone’s sake.🙂

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

day 2!

well here we are, day 2 of my adventure.

1. write 3 things every day that i’m grateful for

coworkers who are also friends. not living paycheck-to-paycheck anymore. being a college graduate.

2. write about one positive thing that happened in the last 24 hours

i had a really great call with a recruiter for a consulting firm. (no, i’m not going to go be a consultant, but i am researching some options for possible analyst positions.) as silly as it sounds, i practiced the 2-minute “power pose” mentioned in this ted talk before calling the recruiter, and i felt like the conversation that i had went really well. there’s a lot up in the air right now, but i’m sending out feelers in quite a few different directions, so, well, we’ll see where i end up in the next year or so.

3. practice one act of random kindness (thank someone for something, compliment someone, give someone a hug)

i gave david a ginormous hug. okay mostly this was because he said he was “glad to have his wife” back after me being gone (not physically, but mentally) for so long while working on schoolwork, but that counts, doesn’t it? because really, i missed him too. also, i hugged him because he is amazeballs and deserved it. he has been so supportive while i’ve been finishing my degree, cooking meals, taking care of chores, etc., etc. i’m really fortunate to have him in my life, and to be married to him! i just realized that i’ve blogged about him before, only i referred to him as a “friend of a friend” in this post, and The Composer in this post. so…by the way? that’s my husband. it seems weird that the emotional turmoil i experienced at the time (which i sort of downplayed in my blog posts) has resulted in where i am right now. when i wrote those posts back then, if someone would have told me we’d end up getting married, i would have used up a box of kleenex crying from laughing so hard. but, well, that’s another story, to be told another time.

4. meditate for at least 5 minutes each day


5. exercise everyday (go for a walk, yoga, daily workout plan)

walking after dinner (again) – we like going for walks, at least after dinner and it’s not hot as balls and humid as f*ck. i hate the south. that’s another story too.🙂

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

itching to be inspired.

i’m bypassing all of that ‘oh em gee i haven’t blogged in forever’ stuff that i normally do when i return from not blogging. admittedly, this is a much (muchmuch) longer break than usual, but, well, i don’t have time right now. maybe i will later, but probably not.

i’m (re)starting small, with a simple goal for myself: blog for 21 days straight, and with a specific mission. each day i have a list of things i’m going to accomplish, and they will all be small things, but they’re all in an effort to generate more happiness and satisfaction from my life. so here’s the list, in no particular order:

  1. write 3 things every day that i’m grateful for
  2. write about one positive thing that happened in the last 24 hours
  3. practice one act of random kindness (thank someone for something, compliment someone, give someone a hug)
  4. meditate for at least 5 minutes each day
  5. exercise everyday (go for a walk, yoga, daily workout plan)

by way of explanation, today i watched an inspirational ted talk, and i’m going to try to commit to this. i’m taking a deep breath and crossing my fingers here, because i know how flighty i can be when it comes to these sorts of things. but here we go.

i’m grateful for: two of the best cats ever. naps when i wake up feeling refreshed and not groggy. the quiche florentine i had a brunch today.

one positive thing: i turned in my very last assignment ever for my bachelor’s degree. i am the first person in my immediate family to have a bachelor’s degree, so i have just made my parents very proud.🙂

act of random kindness: i finally got around to writing a long-overdue thank you letter to two girlfriends of mine that helped me out tremendously during the wedding. even though we had a very small wedding and no attendants, they really stepped up and acted as bridesmaids, without me asking at all. they are true friends!

meditate: just did it!

exercise: david and i are going to go for a walk as soon as we’re done with dinner.

so there you have it! day one – done!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

so this is the new year….

only one month in and it’s already been pretty eventful. i keep adding new years’ resolutions to my list, and to date i have four. two of them are more personal so i won’t share those, but the other two are pretty standard and i’m doing well so far.

the first resolution that i made at the end of last year was that i wanted to run in the flying pig in may. i won’t be running the actual full 26.2-mile marathon, mind you. i will consider my resolution a success if i’m able to run a 5k without stopping to walk. i’m relatively sure that i’m underachieving there, as at this point in my training, i’m running two miles at a decent pace without stopping. as the date gets closer, i may change my resolution to a 10k or maybe the heart mini-marathon (15k). i suppose that changing my resolutions is perhaps not very resolute of me, but i figure as long as i’m upgrading them as opposed to downgrading, i’m okay, right?

the second resolution that i’ve made is that i need to seriously cut down on my smoking and/or quit altogether. the problem with that is that i really enjoy smoking. during my time in scotland, there were many days where i would only have one or two cigarettes, and the vast majority of the time, my first cigarette of the day here would be on my drive home from work. so, clearly i’m not so addicted that i need to have a cigarette every couple of hours, and i was never one of those smokers who has to light up first thing in the morning. at this point, i haven’t purchased a pack of cigarettes since january 2nd. my friends kate and jenn are weekend smokers, and they’ve been gracious enough to allow me to have a cigarette if i happen to be hanging out at their place. in truth, over the years they’ve bummed so many smokes off of me, they’ve told me they probably owe me a carton, so i don’t feel so bad taking them.🙂 i think that some people might see this as them enabling me to smoke, but i see it as them assisting me in not smoking nearly as much as i probably would otherwise.

for the first couple of weeks, it was difficult to not have that cigarette when i was driving home from work at the end of a stressful day. i missed the familiarity of holding the cigarette in my hand, inhaling, then exhaling the smoke, and with it, all of the stress, the bullshit, the drama, of the workplace. it was almost like a visible release of all of that tension, even though physiologically speaking, i was probably only adding more. removing that psychological part of my addiction was the most difficult part of quitting; the physical part of quitting smoking was cake in comparison.

so with drastically cutting down on smoking, i’ve rediscovered my appetite (as cigarettes are a natural appetite suppressant), and i’ve also rediscovered my sense of taste (as smoking also slightly decreases your ability to taste). as such, for the first few weeks, i ate a LOT. food tasted so good to me, and i was also hungrier much more often than i was previously. i’m sure that both of these things have to also do with the fact that i’ve been much more physically active for the past couple of months. regardless, my caloric intake went up much faster than my burning them, so i gained some weight in the process of quitting. this isn’t something that really shocked me; the majority of smokers experience weight gain when quitting smoking. besides, my accomplishments with my race training and stopping smoking are enabling me to not lend much credence to the fact that i’ve gained five pounds. i consider it a very minor setback, especially given the fact that i was a smoker for 16 years, and that this time a year ago i was 50 pounds heavier. things could be much worse.

i made no resolutions in the relationship area of my life, and yet strangely things have been going well there, too. for so long i had no prospects for dating, there was no one that interested me enough to make an effort, and so i ignored that part of my life completely. i think because of the Composer (mentioned in my previous entries), i’ve come to realize just how many interesting people there are out there, and getting to know them is really part of the fun of dating. after christmas, the Composer and i met up again, and i got quite a few things out in the open that i had been thinking about over the course of the time that we were apart. we had a very good discussion about why things went south, and that there are just things that neither of us can provide for each other that are deal-breakers in our own books.

but my biggest concern out of us not dating anymore was that i would lose my friendship with him, and i told him as much. as it turned out, the feeling was mutual. in truth, we just really enjoy each other’s company, and regardless of our many differences, our personalities mesh well together. (also, i love making him laugh; he has a great laugh.) so, out of that conversation, and subsequent conversations, we’ve come to an agreement of sorts, one that implies physical intimacy without the structure of a relationship. (<– or "friends with benefits") i really DO want to settle down in the near future, to find someone with whom i can have every kind of connection; physical, friendship, and emotional. i won't be able to have the kind of depth of relationship with him that i want to have, and so i've been very honest about the fact that i will continue to look for this, and i have been. i've met a couple of people with whom i feel that might be a possibility, but of course it's too soon to tell.

those are all of the things that have gone on in the last month. hopefully i update again sooner, and with more positive accomplishments to share!🙂

Posted in blogging, cincinnati, exercise, friends, love, relationships, scotland, sex, smoking | 2 Comments

merry christmas!

i’m currently at my parents’ house and (trying to be patient while) waiting for the rest of the family to arrive so we can open the stacks of presents under the tree. i hear people say that christmas is mostly for the kids, but i say fuck that! i’m pretty much a big kid myself, so i’ll not feel bad about wanting people to get here so we can open presents! also, i’m pretty hungry.

so things went awry with the guy i was seeing. it was mostly me that was doing the running-away-screaming bit, but over the course of three months, i grew pretty fond of him, so it’s more like “walking-away-while-looking-over-my-shoulder” than anything. i’ve been pretty mopey for the last few weeks since i broke things off with him, and yes, it may have been a bit daft of me to do it right before the holidays knowing full well how much more alone i’d feel. *sigh* however, i felt like i was giving more than i was getting out of the relationship, and i find the idea of spending the holidays being with someone i don’t think wants to be with me FAR more depressing than just being alone.

one of the biggest things that i think i’ll miss about him is that, because he had an degree in musical composition (he was a composer), he liked to attend the symphony, musicals, local theater, etc.. not many (straight) guys that i know find those things to be particularly titillating experiences, so it was really nice to attend those events and be with someone who enjoyed them as much as i did.

at the very least though, i feel like i’ve at least “gotten back on the horse,” as he’s the first semi-serious relationship i’ve had in the last two years (which is also probably why i’m so mopey). i don’t want to be single for another two years, so i’ve decided not to lose momentum and get back out there. and perhaps this time, i’ll go about things a bit differently.

so that is what is consuming my life most at the moment. it would be nice to have some stability in the relationship department (whether single or not) so that i could focus my emotional energy elsewhere. i find the whole “finding someone” thing to be so draining that sometimes i’m convinced that i’ve been mostly single these past few years just out of sheer laziness. wow that sounds really lame when i reread it. but there it is. *shrug*

in my defense, my mind HAS been on other things as well…work (going live with new software on monday so it should make the next few weeks VERY interesting), the recent federal tax cut (which is another blog post entirely), the repeal of DADT (it’s about goddamn time) and major changes in particular friends’ and families’ lives. however, people will be arriving in about half hour and i still need to shower. and then…PRESSIES!!! \o/

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment